Tag Archives: prayer

A Day to be Remembered

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I woke up yesterday like it was Christmas morning. It was my morning to sleep in but my eyes flew open at 7am and I couldn’t go back to sleep. It was Mother’s Day. This Mother’s Day was going to be different than any other Mother’s Day I’d ever celebrated because this Mother’s Day I had a little baby sleeping in the room right next to mine. Some days I still can’t believe it. Some days it’s still so surreal. I am a mom. I’m waiting for the day when that part of my identity feels like the most comfortable pair of old jeans in my closet.

My eyes flew to my Mother’s Day present from Brad and Zoe.

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It’s so sweet that I cry almost every time that I look at it. I love it. I love it with every fiber of my being. It’s so sweet. Brad leaned over and kissed me good morning and then headed downstairs while I nursed my Zoebear. We cuddled and snuggled, I kissed her head and told her how much I loved and adored her, then Brad was back upstairs with a single rose in a vase, cards, and a present. It was crepes! He scurried back downstairs to get breakfast going and Zoe kept snuggling with me in bed. Her fever seemed to be gone, so that was great. Zoe and I headed downstairs to hang out with Daddy and help with the crepes. They were d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s! And then we headed to church.

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Because Zoe had a fever Friday and Saturday we decided to keep her with us in the sanctuary, which meant that I got to hold her the WHOLE service. And what a little snugglebug she was! She fell asleep on my chest as we sang a song called, “You are Good”. There’s a portion of the song that just repeats that phrase over and over again. On a normal day, I love that song. On Mother’s Day, as I held my daughter close to my chest and sang that song, it was overwhelming. Tears streamed down my face as a sense of indescribable gratefulness washed over me. How indescribably blessed I am. To be a wife to an incredibly amazing husband and a mother to Zoe. I know that I keep using the word “indescribable” but…I can’t think of words that describe it!

The sermon was on nurturing potential and how that trait in mother’s is a characteristic of God. If I struggle with anything as a mom, it’s feeling like I am a “nurturer”. At the end of the message, like always, the pastor asked all the mother’s in the congregation to stand up. For the first time in my life I stood up. As Pastor Daniel prayed over us, and I swayed with Zoe in my arms, tears {again} flowed freely down my cheeks.

As we were leaving church it became apparent that Zoe’s fever was back so we called the family and went to Plan B, everybody at our house. The rest of the day was about celebrating my mom and enjoying family. The fever came and went and Zoe was passed around from person to person. Later in the day as Brad and I laid Zoe in her crib for the night, we kissed her little cheeks and I whispered, “Thanks for making me a mommy. I love you.”

Three generations.
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The tiny {sleepy} little lady who made me a mommy.
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I will cherish yesterday for as long as I live.

Here’s the song I was talking about.

Thoughts on Motherhood

Let me share with you a conversation I’ve had, oh – I don’t know, 1,000 times since Zoe’s been born….

Person: So, how’s motherhood going? Are you absolutely loving it?
Me: Um…..it’s going….
Person: Zoe’s so adorable though…you must absolutely love being her mom.
Me: Um…yeah, she’s pretty adorable.
Person: So, what’s your favorite part about being a mom?
Me: Um, Zoe.

It’s not that I don’t like being a mom. It’s that motherhood didn’t come natural to me. That was the most shocking thing that ever happened to me. I assumed that motherhood would come natural. Marriage did. Marriage was easy, it was the easiest transition I’ve ever made. Maybe I assumed that motherhood was going to be easy because moms talk about it like it is. Don’t let them lie to you…it’s not.

You’re told that the moment you hold your newborn baby in your arms you feel this emotion that can only be described as a “mother’s love”, it’s powerful, overwhelming, and hits you like a ton of bricks.  So I pictured myself on the delivery bed, holding my precious, darling Zoe Grace for the first time after 9 months of anticipation, awash in this deliriously intoxicating new emotion.  Um, that didn’t happen. Instead what happened was they placed this darling little {bloody} girl in my arms and I just said, “Hello”, over and over and over again. The only way that I knew that I loved her was because I knew that I would die if something happened to her, and I would willingly die for her. That knowledge was instantaneous from the moment I found out I was pregnant. It became stronger when I held her in my arms. It took me hours after I had her to realize that I was a mom, and then it took me days to get used to that idea. To be honest, it took me weeks to FEEL love towards her. How’s that for shocking? A few weeks into it I was holding her and I remember looking down, this wave of emotion that I can’t honestly describe washed over me…and the knowledge that came with that wave was that I loved her, and it was powerful, overwhelming, and hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a different physical love than I’d ever experienced, it was a mother’s love.

Fast forward 8 months to this past Friday. Brad and I were driving in the car and Zoe was crying. It wasn’t even a full blown cry, it was way more of a dull whine than anything else…but it frustrated me, immensely. After huffing and puffing, fishing for pacifiers and snapping at Brad, I looked at the clock and realized it was 1:30pm. I’d forgotten to feed her lunch. My daughter was crying because I forgot to feed her. And then I cried the entire way home. Brad asked me why I was crying and I said, “Because I suck at being a mom.”

Now, I don’t know much….but I know that’s a lie. I don’t suck at being a mom. I’m a new mom, for sure. I’m learning as I go. There are times when I get incredibly frustrated. Like, I’m ready to walk out the door and quit. Honestly, Zoe’s like the easiest kid on the planet. For real. And yet, still, there are days when I want to walk out on this new gig. I mean, if she was colicky I probably would have given her up for adoption. Not really. That’s a joke. But…you understand, right? And then there are those times when I laugh hysterically at how funny she is, and she laughs back because she’s learning that she’s pretty darn funny. Times when I cry at how crazy I feel, and times when I cry because she just mastered some new trait. Just like any other mom, I sometimes rock at it….and I sometimes stink at it. But, none of that defines me as a mom.

I cried off and on for the whole weekend. I’ve talked to Brad about it several times. I’ve talked to God about it even more. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1) I had unrealistic expectations combined with the fact that I had no idea what to expect.

2) I expected her to pop out of me functioning like a 2 year old…or even better, a 7 year old.

3) If pregnancy affects every part of a woman’s body {which it does}, motherhood affects every part of your identity.

4) I decided that I never want to be a “helicopter mom” and so I went to the other extreme of being too laid back, which also doesn’t feel right.

5) I’ve done a fantastic job of not comparing Zoe to other babies. I’ve done a horrible job at not comparing myself to other moms.

6) I care too much about how people perceive me as a mom.

That’s too much to unpack in one blog, so I’m going to do a “Thoughts on Motherhood Part II” later this week, hopefully tomorrow. Actually, you’ll probably read about all of this again and again, because it’s not going to be solved overnight. There’s no picture today because Flickr isn’t working too well….hopefully tomorrow you’ll get to see some of the shots I took this weekend. There’s a few really good ones!

Have a wonderful day!