It came with the package

I wasn’t going to write a post today. I have to work this afternoon and my house is *not exactly* in its cleanest state, and we’re leaving town tomorrow for the weekend. My momma always said that it’s nice to come home to a clean house, my husband certainly agrees with that saying, and I guess somewhere along the line I began to see the value in it too. So, I was going to clean while Zoe napped. Clean some more when she woke up. Surprise the bejeezus out Brad when he gets home and call it a day. Sometimes the blog just has to take a backseat to the day. I don’t like it, but that’s just how the wind blows.

Except, then I opened my computer to see if there were any comments on yesterday’s post. Which, by the way, didn’t you LOVE that song? How many of you were singing it hours later? It’ll get stuck in your head. I once sang that song through an entire shift at work back when I was working in a restaurant. I also drove my co-workers mad that day. I digress. So, I opened my computer and before I came here I checked Facebook…. and we all know what a time suck that is. From Facebook I found myself on my friend Kat’s blog, you might remember her she did a guest post here the week after I got back from Michigan. Today she was writing about a “mom-fail” where she caught her daughter licking an electrical outlet. I was leaving her a comment, and it just got me thinking.

I’ve never found Zoe licking an electrical outlet, but I know the panic that Kat felt when she glanced up to see that. That panic came with the package, along with a thousand other things that I had no clue motherhood would bring. I would say, pretty accurately, that I was never one to panic much before motherhood. And, truthfully, it’s not like I spend my days worrying about all the potential ways Zoe could hurt herself. I don’t. But, sometimes, you’re going about your day, everything is perfectly fine and then you look up to see ____________. Your daughter standing on the very edge of the couch looking like she’s about to fall backwards. Your daughter bringing you a pair of scissors that you could swear you put up, but apparently didn’t. Your daughter getting just a little bit too close to the bird cage {meaning, she’s holding on to the cage with both hands and the parrot is making his way towards her little tiny fingers}. Whatever it is… toddlers, in their innocence, can find themselves in a world of hurt in about .02 seconds flat. And no matter how “good of a mom” you are… it happens to every.single.mom.on.the.face.of.the.planet.

And, in that moment, your heart stops beating. There’s not a conscious thought in your mind except “GET TO YOUR CHILD” and “GET THEM THE HELL OUT OF THAT SITUATION”. Period. Adrenaline, like no roller coaster ride could ever produce, starts racing through your veins and I swear to you, leaping over tall building would be an easy feat in that moment. I saw this in other moms before I became a mom, but I had no idea how primal the emotion is. I understand, now, how you hear stories of mothers lifting cars off of their children. I understand, now, how for a split second in time, nothing else in the world {not even your own safety} matters… and I’ve never been in a situation where “rescuing” Zoe would put me in danger. But, because I’ve felt this… whatever it is… I know that I wouldn’t think twice.

The fun thing about this panic/adrenaline cycle, is that it leaves just as quickly as it comes with little aftermath for anybody involved, except you. Two minutes after whatever incident just happened, everybody else in the room is functioning normally, and you’re still almost in shock. One time, months ago, we found ourselves in a situation that literally could have been really bad. It was the first time I’d ever felt this panic/adrenaline thing. By the time that Brad and I got home, I sat in the driveway with tears streaming down my face. I cried for the rest of the evening. My daughter was perfectly safe. Didn’t matter. The magnitude of what my brain/nervous system/hormones had gone through needed that release.

It’s just one of those things that are unique to motherhood. Just like the depth of love that you can feel for a human. I remember when Brad and I got married, I would just lie in bed at night completely in awe of how much I could love somebody. How tangible that love was. It’s just like that with Zoe, except different. It’s a mother’s love. Joy like I’ve never known also came with motherhood. So did worry. Praying, like I’ve never done before in my life came with the package…and I’m pretty sure, from what I hear, that only gets more intense the older they get. Confidence, that came with motherhood too. Stress. Yep. That came with my little 7.9oz bundle of joy. The ability to hear a whimper upstairs, down the hall, in a closed off room, with a TV on in the room that you’re in… came with the package. Laughter, more times in a day that you can count…part of the package. Dancing more than you’ve ever danced in your life… part of the package. Waiting an extra second at an intersection so that you can make sure that all the other cars stopped…. I did that before, but I darn sure do it now.

So many things that I never knew to expect came with my little girl. So many wonderful things, and plenty of not wonderful things. I guess, this first time around, and so early in the game, all these new emotions feel so tingly because I can clearly remember life without them. Maybe, ten years from now, it’ll just be so much a part of my identity that I don’t even remember not being a mom.

But, this is my first rodeo and from what I can tell… it’s quite a wild ride.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some cleaning to do! Happy Thursday Ya’ll!

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2 responses to “It came with the package

  1. That feeling when you can’t swallow, blink, or even breath. I know just how you feel and I know, as my husband keeps pointing out to me, that these things will continue and only get harder but O M G how will I ever handle it?

    Thanks for the shoutout!

    • I was watching an episode of Modern Family yesterday from Season 1, when Haley gets her drivers license and drives off for the first time. Zoe was playing with her shopping cart down the hall, and tears just started streaming down my face. I don’t know how I’m ever… EVER… going to make it through that.

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