The other day Brad and I were sitting down to dinner and he mentioned that there was a basketball game on an aircraft carrier over the weekend and I said, “Oh yeah, Reege was talking about that this morning.”
I’ve said that so many times I can’t count them all.
“Reege was hilarious today”. “I was watching Regis and Kelly and they said…”. “Oh, Regis isn’t going to be happy about this”. “I can’t wait to see what Regis says Monday”….
They’ve been my morning companion for so long, over a decade…. until this morning.
This morning I laughed and I cried. I actually started crying before the show even started. Actually, I started crying yesterday afternoon just thinking about it. But, I really cried this morning… in a “tears streaming down my face, I can’t see the TV” kind of way. It really took me kinda by surprise, because I watch the show for Kelly.
I adore Kelly.
But, the chemistry between those two, the way they’re both predictable and yet unpredictable at the same time…. you know what they’re going to say, or how Kelly is going to patronize Regis… it’s just…
I don’t know what it is. But I love it, unashamedly. And now, it’s no more. Sure, I’ll still be watching Kelly and whoever this new co-host is going to be, but it’ll never be the same. It can be just as good. It can even be better. But, it’ll never be the same. And so, this morning I said goodbye to a part of my life…
And then I drove to the Y, tears still in my eyes, for BodyCombat…
Where I cried, for real, after the 150 straight jabs that we do at the end…. after we beat our body to a pulp. I don’t know what I was even fighting this morning, but during that group jab I was in a different place… when I threw my fist in the air at the end of it I didn’t think I was going to be able to compose myself. That class might be about beating the crap out of the air in front of you, but I’ll tell you what… it’s the most inner healing I’ve had in a long time. And, most of the time, I don’t even know what’s getting healed… I just know that something in my spirit is rattling and shaking and I’m breaking free…
And? I definitely punched myself in the face on one of the elbow jabs.
I left the gym to find out that I didn’t actually have to work today, and it was just at Brad’s lunch time, so Zoe and I decided that we’d go surprise him for lunch. Actually, Zoe took a nap and I decided that we’d surprise him for lunch. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I was struggling with the wheel. Like, I was telling it to turn, and it wasn’t going anywhere. “This can’t be good” crossed through my mind.
Brad met us at the car and said, “You’re tire is pretty low, we need to go to a gas station immediately”. I mentioned one about 5 minutes away and he said he wasn’t sure if we could even make it there. Awesome. The tire had 8 pounds of air in it. Do you know how much a tire is supposed to have?
No big deal. We were just 24lbs shy of a full tire. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????????
The other front tire was low too…really low. Brad told me I had to drop him off and come straight home. I started crying. I asked if this was going to cost like $100. He said no…. it was going to be more like $300. Oh, and we need an oil change too…. and for the tires to be balanced.
Son of a Bitch
I just cried. And then I cussed a little bit. And then I cried some more. And then cussed…and well, you get the point. I just felt so defeated. So helpless. Like we can’t get our head up out of the water without being pushed back under.
Except, I know deep deep down inside me, that that’s not the truth. That we can get our head up out of the water. That we can get off this roller coaster. That we can choose to not be defeated.
So, screw you vicious cycle. Screw you feeling of helplessness. Screw you defeat.
And…that’s my day thus far.
Happy Friday Ya’ll….