I wonder…

A few days ago I was standing in the kitchen trying to decide what I wanted for lunch. For a brief moment I seriously considered Andes Mints and Gardettos, but decided that Brad would get upset with me for my poor eating habits, and settled on a turkey sandwich with Gardettos. I pulled out the meat and began making the sandwich when a brief glance to my right alerted me to the fact that I had left the door to the fridge open. In that instant I had a vision of me in my mid-30’s with 4 children running through the house and me yelling after them, “Do you pay for the electricity around here? Well, until you do…SHUT THE DAMN REFRIGERATOR DOOR!”. And the next instant I was a teenager in my mom’s house hearing something eerily similar, except she never cussed at us and she always {most of the time} talked nicely to us before using the mom yell…you know the one I’m talking about.

And that made me wonder, what type of mom am I going to be? Will I be like my mom? Full of fun ideas, a task-oriented mom who somehow managed 5 kids {all born w/in 5 years of each other from oldest to youngest…so all babies at the same time, all tweens, all teenagers…you get the point}, at any given time we could have up to 70 animals at our house {these animals ranged from at one point 6 dogs and 4 cats INSIDE the house, horses, a pig, a billy goat, chickens, rabbits, Jamielynn’s countless rescued birds, a god awful number of parakeets who wouldn’t stop breeding…again, you get the point, it was crazy}, she insisted that we all have extra curricular activities so there was endless sports practices to go to, and we all had chores around the house…plus homework. Are you tired yet? Because after a year of being a mom to only 1 kid, I don’t know how she did it. To make things even more interesting, my dad’s job took him away from the house…so most of it she did by herself. But, in the middle of all of that, my mom knows how to have a good time. She knows how to spend time with each kid individually. She always had time to sit around the table listening to all my high school drama, every single day after school. If I have one favorite memory from growing up, I guarantee you that my mom is part of it. Will I be a mom like that?

Even as I type those words I know, deep down, I want to be mostly like my mom…but I don’t want to be all like her. Not in a bad way at all. I’m not supposed to be like her. I’m supposed to mother like me. Like Rebecca. But what will that look like? I know what type of mom I am with one baby, what will I look like with 3 or 4? How will I manage that stress? Will I laugh at spilled milk, or will I do like today and completely lose my cool when Zoe dumped out my almost full bag of Gardettos? Will I think before I talk? Will I be the mom that all my kids friends want to be around? Will I be the mom that my kids want to be around? Will I be loving to my husband, even after a full stressful day with the kids?

I hope so.

But, who knows? It was weird to have that vision for just a split second, it was daunting, and very realistic. Realistic in the fact that I will, one day, be in my mid-30’s with a houseful of kids running around my feet. I guess I could worry about it, stress out over whether or not I’ll be a fun mom or not, but that does no good. Instead, I think I’m going to make today count. I’m going to focus on being the best mom for Zoe that I can be, today. I’m going to accept both my strengths and weaknesses, refine my strengths and chisel away at my weaknesses. And I’m going to pray, every.single.day.for.the.rest.of.my.life, because motherhood is the most daunting task that has ever been set on my plate…and I want to do the job well.

Happy Thursday Ya’ll!

ps. fyi – this post was written entirely while sitting on my kitchen floor listening to Lenny Kravitz on Pandora while Zoe had herself a dance party with the kitchen magnets…..that’s why I love laptops. And and dance parties.

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4 responses to “I wonder…

  1. Well, you don’t have to wonder, you can choose! I (mostly) choose to let the child be more important than the thing. A bag of Gardettos can be replaced, a broken heart doesn’t mend so easy. Truly, you are a great mom!

  2. Prayer gets me through it too–the good times and the bad. Amen!

  3. I wonder this all the time. There are so many things that I love about my mom, yet so many things that I want to do differently.

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