Sorry that I’ve been a little absent lately. I wrote Friday’s post in about 5 minutes early Friday morning, and I haven’t looked at my computer since. It’s been a good thing. I couldn’t trust the words that my fingers would type. I wanted to, believe me, I wanted to. Remember that post about honesty? That means that everything that I think, I would write. And, then, well, let’s just say that would be bad…in a major way.
So, instead, I’ve been doing a lot of crying. A lot of venting. A lot of cussing. And more praying than I’ve done in a while…which is what I want to talk about today.
Last week was the single hardest week of being a Christian that I’ve ever experienced in.my.life. The only thing that comes close to last week is January of 2008, and it wasn’t hard to be a Christian then…it was just hard to function. Last week I came face to face with how un-godly I really am. There’s a whole lot that looks good on the outside, but when the rubber hits the road…well, it’s a different story. I’m not beating myself up here, and I’m also not saying anything that’s not true. The beauty of Christianity, the beauty of serving a God who is loving, gentle, kind, forgiving, compassionate, all-knowing, full of grace, who’s mercies are new every morning…is, well, his mercies are new every morning. He knows I’m not perfect, and He loves me. Period. The end. Thank you Jesus.
I, however, have rough time with forgiveness. I have a rough time with compassion. I have a rough time referring to people by their names instead of various curse words I’ve assigned to them, which, depending on the time of day, can go from relatively harmless to the “F-bomb” as an adjective. I have a hard time giving, not expecting anything in return, simply because I love. I have a really hard time NOT praying that something bad would happen. In fact, I’ve had to pray for the grace to stop myself FROM praying that something bad would happen. For the very first time in my life, I have had to wrestle myself away from hating somebody. That, all by itself, was shocking to me. I don’t hate people. I love people. I’ve never truly hated anybody….but I did, if only for a few fleeting days of my life, truly hate somebody this week. My flesh, my ugly, rotten, sinful flesh, has made a horrible appearance…and it refuses to go away.
When Jesus said “Love your enemies”…he means it. That’s great in theory, and looks really good on paper, but my word…living it out is freaking ridiculous! And, he doesn’t even leave it there. He takes it a step forward and says, “love those who hate you. Pray for those who persecute you.” Jimminy Christmas that’s H-A-R-D. And it doesn’t come natural…it comes only by the grace of God. I keep thinking about Jesus saying that if somebody asks you to go one mile, you go two. And this sign on my way home that says, “A chip on your shoulder is the heaviest load you could ever carry”. I think about Romans 12:21 where is says, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good”. I meditate on, “As much as it is in your control, live at peace with all people”.
And, truth be told, I want to scream at all of those verses. I know it seems sacrilegious, but that’s the truth. I want to throw my body on the floor and kick and scream just like Zoe is going to do in about a year, and I want to yell at God that “that’s not fair! That’s just ridiculously not fair…they don’t seem to care about any of that!” But, you know what? That’s not my business. That’s not what I have to answer for…I have to answer for myself, my reactions, my heart. I have to surrender my will, my desires, my expectations, my emotions to a God who has a much larger perspective than me. A God who loves much better than me. A God who works all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.
I know I flung a lot of scripture out there today. Thanks for letting me write through this. Thanks for supporting me even though you have no idea what’s going on. Writing this tonight has brought me more peace than I’ve felt for days…thanks for “listening”.
Happy Monday everybody!
Ps. Zoe’s going to be 1 in 6 days…which means 1) I have a crap-ton of party stuff I have to do this week 2) My house is going to be bursting at the seams in 5 days with family and friends 3) I’m about to have a 1-year old, and 4) I’m probably going to cry….and take 1,000 pictures.