Pregnancy Flashback and Good Friday

Last year at about this time…except for a little bit earlier because Easter was earlier last year, I was like 5ish months pregnant. If I thought about it for more than 1 second I could tell you exactly how pregnant I was…but I haven’t thought about it. The point is, I was at the part in pregnancy where you run out of room for your lungs. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, let me describe it…this baby grow inside you, first it’s like a pea, then a peanut, then a lemon, then a grapefruit, then a squash, finally about the size of a watermelon {maybe a little smaller} at that point it makes its way out of you and the world will never be the same.

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Somewhere around the grapefruit/squash stage your abdominal cavity realizes that it doesn’t have a whole lot of room left, so it starts going in all different directions. The part that affects your lungs is when it pushes your intestines, stomach, and anything else in its way…up. Suddenly you can’t take a deep breath anymore. Here’s the kicker…your brain keeps telling your body it needs to yawn. Your body says, “no”. Your brain then translates that message as, “I’m running out of oxygen! I need to YAWN!!!!!!! I need OXYGEN!” Your body, again, refuses. Then your brain forgets any logic. The only thing in the world that matters, at this point, is that you can’t breathe. A tornado could literally touch down in front of your house and you would say, “I CAN’T YAWN!!!!!!”

I remember trying and trying and trying to yawn, and I never could get a good complete yawn in. This happened mostly in the evening as I was laying down to go to sleep. Sometimes I had to sleep propped up against the wall so that I could breathe. Awesome, huh? Even now, as I type, my body is telling me that I have to yawn. Every time that I tell this story I yawn continually. Your lungs just can’t expand all the way. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! It makes me want to scream just thinking about it. At this point in typing I have literally yawned 7 times…just so you know.

{A full 9 months}
9 months

Ok. Back to the point. We’re going to sleep, I can’t yawn, I start crying. Pregnant women are known for being hormonal. I was no different. Brad thinks that now is a really good time to tell me that I was probably making the situation worse by worrying about it. I tell him to shut up. He tells me to consider calming down. I begin screaming. {I’m still crying} I get in the shower to cool off. Brad falls asleep. I get even more upset. I still haven’t been able to yawn. I go downstairs and sit on the couch. {I’m still crying} I sit on the couch and I have a talk with Jesus. It goes something like this…

“Um…I need you right now. I need you to show up right now. RIGHT NOW {just so you know, pregnant women are also hormonal with the Almighty} I can’t do this. I can’t go for another 4 months. I can’t. I just can’t. I need you.”

I was on the couch for a while. It took me a little bit to calm down. I implemented my breathing routine of taking slow, deep-ish breaths, {I’m at 10 yawns now writing this}, telling myself that I obviously could breathe because I hadn’t passed out. Finally, I was able to breathe…..and then this quiet thought came into my mind. “For the joy set before Him he endured the cross”.

I’ve been through a lot. I’ve had some pretty heavy crosses to bear. Pregnancy is in the top 2. But nothing like what Jesus had. If he could do it for the joy set before him….then so could I. That phrase became my mantra. “For the joy set before me I will endure”

Because Zoe is on the other side, I will endure.

{This is one of my very favorite pictures. Ever. It’s framed by my bed}
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Do you see that blanket in the corner? I bought it the day after my meltdown. It’s pink and white, polka dots, has pink satin around the edges and says, “Thank heaven for little girls”. I needed something tangible that I could focus on. I slept with that blanket every single night for the next 4 months. Brad would hold one end, we would drape it over my shoulder and I would pull a corner up under my chin, snuggle with it and dream of Zoe. My precious baby girl…what would she smell like? What would she look like? Would she have Brad’s nose or mine? What would her laugh sound like? My focus became intense….for the joy set before me, I would endure.

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Don’t get me wrong. I still hated every second of being pregnant. I still puked most days. I still couldn’t eat anything. I never could breathe right {but I was able to instantly calm myself with my “of course you can breathe” routine}. I still hated that pregnancy affects every part of your body….but something changed.

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That night was one of my very few meltdowns during pregnancy. It was also a turning point in my pregnancy. For the joy set before me I would endure {and cling to that blanket}. And tomorrow, Good Friday, I will look at my little girl, my joy…and I will say, “It was worth every second”.

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Have a wonderful day everybody!

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4 responses to “Pregnancy Flashback and Good Friday

  1. Awww….LOVE the last pic of you holding Zoe. PRICELESS! You looked FANTASTIC!! It amazing to see how Zoe has changed just from then until now. Life..a miracle. 🙂

  2. Oh my I remember thinking the same thing at 5-6 months that I wouldn’t last longer. Not that you have a choice but to go on. The yawn thing!! Lol. So true! I was a terrible pregnant person 3 times. Some people love being pregnant and I was not one of them and wanted fast forward to the end. Then that cute baby comes and you forget. Look how cute you were pregnant!

  3. So sweet! Pregnancy is so hard, but definitely worth it in the end!

  4. Rebecca! Thank you so much for your comment on my blog about the bridesmaid thing – I so very much appreciate it. I just think it must be awkward to be in a wedding and know that you’re in ranked order….I really don’t see the point of that, and I don’t think we need to rate people anymore than we already do! Isn’t it enough to have chosen your bridesmaids? Why then have the rank them all in favoritism order? So, your feedback was much appreciated! I also love that you’re 5′ 11″ because girl..SO AM I!! Tall sisters unite!! 🙂 Loved finding your blog – I’ll definitely become a reader! How did you find mine??

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