“oh shit…I”m going to have a baby today” That was the thought that ran through my head at 4:27am on July 31, 201o. I wasn’t ready. Zoe was 2 weeks early and I had planned a nice relaxing “pre” maternity leave to have a little time to myself to adjust to the idea that I was about to become a mother. But there I sat, 4:27 in the morning with soaking pants and the realization that today was the day. Roughly 12 hours later I was holding my little girl in my arms and my life was forever changed.
Prior to giving birth to Zoe my one thought about motherhood was “I hope that my kids aren’t screwed up and it’s my fault”. honest to God. That’s all I could think about. I had no concept of the reality of motherhood. I remember the moment I realized that my house was going to be inundated with toys….I was six months pregnant.
Today I was at the funeral of a friends’ mom. I didn’t know her. I know her daughter. At one point, the point that I dread at any funeral, the daughters came up to talk. I dread that moment because I know I’m going to cry. And so Meggie and Haley stood at the podium to pay tribute to their beloved mother…..and it hit me…I am a mother.
Call it a delayed reaction, my daughter turned 1 month old yesterday and I just realized the impact that my life would have on her. I am her mom. I am her source of food. One day she’ll look up at me and giggle as I change her diaper and make funny noises on her stomach. I will teach her to walk…to ride a bike. 5 years from now I will drop her off at kindergarten and then go home and cry all day long. I will teach her that life is fun and live the full adventure that life has to offer. It’s me that she’s going to run to with cuts and bruises and it’s my kisses that will heal them. She’s going to talk my ears off with stories of teachers and friends…and boys! and it’s my words that will shape how she reacts to life. The weight of that is huge…. And then there’s the teenage years…God help us all! But again, i will be the mom that she’s always had. I will teach her the value of playing hookie, that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind on, that she can be and do anything she wants….and I will hug her, and cry with her, and teach her the value of ben and jerry’s when she faces rejection. I will pray, hard, that she falls in love with Jesus, that she learns to love him with all her heart… and then God willing, I’ll send her off into adulthood with a smile on my face, lots of advice, and many days filled with tears in my bedroom. And I will be done teaching her…but I will still be her mother. I will, hopefully, be her friend, her sounding board, a source of wisdom and direction in life.
I have one shot. One chance at being her mom. I am positive that I will make mistakes…and that I will have much success. I’m sure that there will be laughter and there will be tears. I’m sure that at times I will say like my mom “I love you, but I don’t like you very much right now”…and i’m sure she’ll be able to say the same thing about me.
It’s a huge deal. A crazy reality….I am a mom, zoe’s mother…and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.